~*~The best birthday party ever!~*~

My BFF, my nephew, turned 10 this month. Since he has never had a party more than just cake and ice cream, I decided it was high time to give him one to remember. The night before his party he came out and spent the night with Joe and Me. I cooked some salmon, made brownies and we watched "The Dark Night." He slept next to Braxton and Me on the recliner with his favorite red pillow that is "good for his appetite..." and by morning he was sprawled out all over. I don't realize how big he is until I see him like that, all still...sleeping...dreaming...he's growing up so fast. I remember like it was yesterday every moment of his childhood...his first everything...growing from baby to infant to toddle to child...now to the pre-teen era. I can't believe how fast the time has gone by.

A new Chuck E Cheese opened in his neighborhood, so we went there. He was able to invite 2 of his friends from school and along with Dylan, Ashlee, and Jaylee...he had a blast! Grandma had the flu and missed it :( Everyone was bummed, but Kristian understood and was able to talk to her about it. His friends, Jose' and Rueben, had so much fun. They played games, ate pizza, Chuck E Cheese came out and gave him a special birthday medal and sang. He loved every minute of it. I'm so glad we were able to give him a party to remember, he's such a good kid and deserves to be treated special every now and then...especially since he usually gets ripped off with his birthday being 10 days before Christmas. :)

Happy Birthday Kristian!

Rueben, Jose and Kristian!

The Birthday table and all the guests!

~*~And, the masterpiece is complete!~*~

We finally got the my tattoo finished last week...it looks great, and I am so happy to be done! Here's the pics from start to finish! :)






And from a distance...gorgeous tat! Yay!

~*~She Walks...~*~

She walks alone in the dark
Waiting for the light to come
She speaks out loud, although no one is there
Somehow she feels more heard this way.
The night has never looked so dark,
And the light has never seemed so far away
But she keeps walking...unsure of what's ahead.

Hours pass, still no sign of the light she is searching for
She begins to let the fear set in, mind racing, palms sweating,
Maybe the light is not coming after all?
The tick-tock from her watch seems louder than her footsteps...
Waiting, still. Waiting.

Another hour passes, she begins to talk louder
Hoping her voice will scare away her fears
Can anyone hear her? Is anyone around?
She feels like she is drowning in the darkness.
She keeps walking, head held high, still waiting for the light.
Acceptance starts to sets in, it may never come,
But she has to continue walking.

Her voice, a scream now,
Trying to silence her fears which grow louder with every step
Paranoia, chaos, confusion and pain.
She knows now, she is alone.
For if anyone were around they surely would have come by now,
Would have led her to the light she seeks.

Acceptance...
She stops talking, no one can hear her...
She stops walking, there is no where to go...
She sits down on the cool ground.
She will remain alone in the dark...waiting...
For the light that will never come.

~*~Round two...~*~

I saw Ryan for our second session on my tattoo, we got another 3 hours of work in and he said we are about 1.2-2 hours from being done. Yay! :) I am so happy with how it is turning out!!! Here's some pics

After the 1st sitting


After the 2nd sitting!

~*~Falling Stars~*~

Last night the stars fell from the sky
In a showering array of light.
Light so beautiful and piercing it made the sound
Of shattering glass as it hit the Earth.
Outside lingering in this shower of glass
Cut and broken, bleeding and sacrificed.

Looking down I see the reflection of the heavens
Carved into the broken stars.
Unable to heal, unable to recreate, unable.
Although I am bleeding, I reach down to pick up the delicate star...
Only to have it cut me once more.
I drop it to the ground and watch the shattered piece...
In wonderment...In amazement....
How is something so divine refusing to be helped?

Confused, as I watch passerby's come and go,
Reaching for the stars, looking on in awe at their beauty
Only to walk away bleeding.
Will they ever be helped?
Has their fall damaged them so much they will never
Shine in their glory again?
They are broken, yes...but they are still stars.
They still hold the beauty of the skies above.
In my eyes they are more beautiful,
For written on their wounds are their story
Of travel, of time, of choices and regret.
I would love the stars. If only they would let me...
If only I get close enough for one touch.

~*~Friends....~*~

I have been doing a lot of thinking and exploring in my own head lately. I can't remember a time in my life recently where I have actually had the time and energy to focus on my mental well being. Along with all this thinking come some thoughts that don't necessarily make me happy, one of which I feel like writing about. Not that I think anyone will read it, but because I need to say it. And as I write that sentence, "Not that I think anyone will read it..." I lay the ground work for this....rant.

What is going on with everyone? What has happened to "friends?" I sat back and reflected quite a bit lately on people who are "in" my life, and honestly, I got very frustrated. Some of the people I know, seem to have this fake exterior...I'm not sure I understand why. They claim friendship, show the world we are friends, etc...but yet, never talk to me. It seems as though everyone is getting so wrapped up in being selfish and self centered that they are unable to see they are unintentionally hurting their "friends" just by simply *not* being there.

My point is not coming across very clearly here, and this is sounding like the rant of a bitter old lady who has no friends, and that is not my intention. I am blessed with great people around me, I am not discounting the friendships I do have or the friends who have stayed close. I do love my friends. I am, however, at the end of my rope with people who pretend to be friends for the sake of....for the sake of....I actually have no idea what the point of doing this is. I'm sorry to say, but if you have not checked up on a "friend" in 6 months, you are not a friend. If you have not taken a few minutes to find out how a "friend" is coping with major life changes, you are not a friend.

Never in my life has partying or "playing" over ridden my ability to connect with my true friends. Yes, people get busy...*life* gets busy, understandable. You have time to drink, dance, party...then you have time to say "Hey, how's life these days?" We have email, internet, cell phones, text messages, Facebook, Myspace, Yourspace, Ourspace...whatever, there are plenty of ways to communicate....if you care to. I guess that is what it's about. If you *care* to, then do. If you couldn't care less if you hear from me again, then let's quit pretending we are friends. Just because I am a friend of a friend or the girlfriend of your friend, doesn't mean this fakeness has to start/continue.
I've decided I am worth more than that. I find myself wondering if I did something to upset a person that I didn't realize, I constantly wonder if they are okay, do they need anything? Why don't they come by, invite me out...etc? And for what? It's a very one sided relationship I am constantly fighting in my head.

So, I write this in hope that maybe it will ruffle a few feathers, maybe someone who cares will read it and understand the things I say are not out of bitterness, but from love...because it hurts to be friends with someone who is not your friend back.

Unfortunalty, this post comes full circle and I am back to the original thought..."Not that I think anyone will read it."

~*~Thanksgiving has come and gone...~*~

It's hard for me to imagine that just last year I was pregnant with Braxton, listening to everyone tell me I am eating for two while fighting off the morning/noon/night sickness. Now here I am, continuing the tradition with my own family.

This was the first year we have been able to have Jaylee come along with us, she had a great time! Jenna's kids, my Mom, and my family went to Mary's house and spent a couple hours with the family. It was very nice and relaxed, and Scott made some amazing dip that I am going to covet the recipe to. ;)
After Mary's we all came back to my Mom's, Jenna got off work and Dad brought up dinner. Yum yum yum! It was so good! Braxton had his first taste of gravy, I thought Grandma was going to pee herself waiting for that moment! Lol :D



The girls went and played together all night, giggling and waiting for pie.

The boys and I went outside and played a little football together. Kristian has quite the arm on him and found it hilarious when he threw it to Dylan and he said "I got it, I got it!" and then it knocked him over. :D All in all, I think they had a great time this year.





Joe decided this morning that Wal-mart wouldn't be that busy (ha ha) and he got up at 5am to get us a Christmas tree they had on sale. We will be putting it up this weekend, it's the first time I have had a white tree. Plus it is pre-lit, so yay for us! :)

~*~My BFF came to town!!!~*~

And just like that she is gone again...but let's not think about that.
She moved away to Denver when she was 17. I got married and moved away too, and now I am back, she is still gone. Sigh. She has a great life out in Denver...a beautiful son and great friends.

She and Kayden came to Utah Sunday night, they stayed with us and we just fell right back into the old routine. I haven't seen her in about 2 years and she hadn't met Braxton yet. He loved her right away, I was holding him when she arrived and he woke right up and started smiling at her. She was great with him, and it was so nice to have an extra pair of hands!!! We went to our old elementary school, talked to our old teacher, and checked Kristian out of his class which our old teacher now teaches. We took Kayden and Krisitian up to my mom's house so they could run around and play. I'm sure my mom can't believe she hasn't seen Kelli in about 4 years. Yikes! You couldn't seperate us when we were teenages and we spent most of our time bouncing from my house to hers.

We came back home and ordered some Chinese food. Kayden learned how to play the Wii, and we all passed out pretty early. We got up and went for breakfast at Einsteins and coffee and Beans and Brew, then like that she was gone. Sigh. She will be spending Thanksgiving in WY with her Grandma and then back to Denver.

I had so much fun having her around. We didn't really need to do anything, just be us. I am hoping to be able to make a road trip to her next summer, no more of this 2 years apart crap! Anyway, here are a few pics. :)

~*~Embarking on a new tattoo!~*~

Yesterday I went into Vicious Ink to start my quarter sleeve tattoo! Ryan, my artist, had drawn up a great design that is more than I thought it would turn out to be. I wanted a lotus with some waves behind it somehow, and he nailed it. He put some flames coming out from behind the lotus and Japanese style waves surround the entire thing. We spent about 3.5 hours on it yesterday and hopefully will be able to finish it in one more sitting, which is scheduled for December 1st! Yay!

Braxton got to spend the day with Grandma at her house and Grandpie came up to play also. They had a good time, he loves his Grandma! :D

~*~Today is National Protest Day For Proposition 8~*~

So I thought I would add my two cents about it. Could there be a more useless thing to protest about? Really. Does it affect anyone else if two people get married? Marriage is about love, respect, union...is it going to stop people from loving each other just because they can't get married? No. So much energy is being expelled and wasted fighting this. In a hundred years from now people will be looking back on this with the same kind of disgust people of our day look at slavery or segregation. This is discrimination in every form of the word.

I understand the religious aspect of all of this, and how it is truly hurting people to think of same-sex couples being able to marry. Nobody is criticizing the beliefs of millions of religious groups, nobody talks about the "sacred" rituals that are preformed at the time of marriage (the kind you are not allowed to speak about, at the risk of being kicked out of their own churches!) These things some don't understand or believe is the right way to live, but nobody stands and takes a vote on their lives. How would you feel if your marriage was suddenly annulled because someone voted against your love? Let's turn the tables and let the same-sex couples vote on your rights.

My hope is that one day ALL people will be able to live together, without judgment, without discrimination, without the pain that comes along with segregation.
For now, to any of my friends who may have been affected by this vote, just keep trying...as I know you will. Don't give up. Step back and realize that your love is no more special or justified with the small piece of paper that is "Marriage."

~*~Barack Obama~*~

As the news was announced that Barack Obama would be our next President, it wasn't as if anything in my life changed, but somehow everything seemed different. I was suddenly seeing my world though a new lens, a new light, a new belief.

I have never really been bursting with pride with patriotism, and for good reason really. In my lifetime alone this country has been involved in 3 wars (5 if you want to separate the War on Terrorism, War on Iraq, and the War on Afghanistan...but really, who can tell the difference between them?) Our current "President," I use that term generously, and his Father have been the two authors in the book of every one of the wars of my time.

I have witnessed a President who, while in office, embarrassed his family and our nation by letting his teenager hormones rage. As much as I believe he has a right to be human and make mistakes, how can he justify standing up in front of the nation and lying, skipping around the facts with, "Well it's not *technically* sex...the cigar did most the work." sort of statements.

I know Obama is not a miracle worker, he is not going to get into the White House, click his heels and change the world. However, I do believe in him. I believe his words when he says he will unite us in areas we were once divided. I believe he has given this nation exactly what we need, and that is HOPE. For those who didn't vote for him and are now anxious about the road our country is on, I say, just hold on...open your mind, and watch.

I have never known what it was to actually *love* your President. I would hear the stories about JFK and see how people still grieve for him, and I never understood. Until now. I am at a loss for words when it comes to how proud I am, I suddenly feel like everything is going to change, finally for the greater good of *all* Americans, not just the 5% with enough money to buy their way into the "club" this country has become.I feel like my voice was heard, my vote counted. I feel like I have witnessed one of the greatest moments in U.S. history, and I will be telling my children about it for years to come. I feel at peace, I feel pride, I feel relief, most importantly...I finally feel.

~*~The Nursery is Finally Finished!~*~

We finally got all the decorations up in the nursery! It took me a while to decide on a theme for the room, but I finally settled on Dr. Seuss. With the help of an online friend, I found a man on Ebay who makes vinyl letters, so you can make a saying or whatever you would like. I picked a quote out of the book "Oh The Places You Will Go!" And after a brief moment of stupidity on my part, we got the letters right.

I also found another seller on Ebay who had some jumbo static like stickers for the wall, so we put those up all around the room. Here's the finished product!



~~Jaylee's bed (all princess, all the way)



~~Above J's bed



~~The window and walls



~~Above Braxton's Crib





~And finally, on the way out, by the light switch

~*~He just keeps growing!!!~*~

Yesterday was Braxton's 4 month check up. (He's actually 18 weeks now) He went to see his favorite Doctor, Bryan Nelson, MD. He is doing very well, no problems whatsoever. I asked Bryan if Braxton should be sleeping as much as he does during the day, and he said "Are you complaining? Because I will bitch slap you!" ;) (We have a good relationship!) Braxton now weighs 16 lbs 6 oz (75th Percentile) He is 26 inches long (75th Percentile) and his noggin is 44 cm!!! (90th Percentile!) He's so big!
He's learning to express himself very well by screaming at me when he wants my attention. :) He is getting pretty good at grasping objects and loves to suck on his blankie. He's also learning how to read ;)



He is not rolling over yet, probably because Mommy doesn't like to put him down. He is not the biggest fan of tummy time either. He's getting close though, and can lift himself off the ground pretty high.



He's such a happy baby and everyday he teaches me more about love and life than I could have learned anywhere else.

~*~Halloween!~*~

This was Braxton's first Halloween! We had a lot of fun as a family, although we did not have Jaylee for the first Halloween in 2 years, so we did miss her. We spent some time a week before Halloween carving Jaylee's first pumpkin! (And Joey's too for that matter!)



Jaylee thought it was pretty cool, but she really didn't like the way it felt!



About an hour later, and one tired Joey, the pumpkins were done!





Bonus pic: Jaylee's new shirt I made her online!



On Halloween night Braxton got dressed up in his horsey outfit, he was so adorable with his little tail and mane!



We took a car ride to Grandma's house to hang out with Nephews and Niece Kristian, Dylan, and Ashlee. We all went to a "Trunk or Treat" down the street where they got 30 houses worth of candy in one shot. We ate some pizza and had some juice then headed back home. We were waiting for Jenna to get off work so in the mean time I made Rice Crispy Treats with the kids. Jenna finally got home and her and I took her kids Trick-or-Treating. Joey stayed behind with Braxton because he was running out of energy from all the excitement.

~*~Things I Didn't Know Until I Became a Mom~*~

The sound of a baby's cry can be the most musical sound.

Love at first sight really does exist.

A baby's cry can bring a grown woman to tears.

It is quite possible to lose hours of your day because you find yourself staring at your sleeping baby,

Singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" for the 100th time still brings a smile to your face. (Mine and yours)

In one instant, suddenly the world is not a safe enough place.

You can hold someone in your arms all day, yet somehow still miss them.

It's possible to fill up an entire memory card with pictures of nap time.

"Love" is a word you use because you can't cry and kiss your baby every time you feel it.

The most important job is a Mom.

A baby can give more love than most grown adults ever will.

Sleep is a luxury, not a necessity.

Seeing him smile just once erases that I have not had time to shower for 2 days.

Words I will never say again....."I can't" and “I won’t.

No matter how late I am running, there is always time for one more kiss.